Following a week in which:
– Manchester City won a trophy.
– Ajax won a trophy.
– SS Lazio won a trophy.
– Liverpool fans pleaded for a second place trophy.
We, using the filmography of Gus Van Sant, rank the top 15 teams in Europe. Enjoy chief.
15) Borussia Monchengladbach (Re-Entry)
“F**k you money is the ultimate liberator.” (Promised Land)
On the brink of UEFA Champions League qualification = on the brink of a shocking amount of $$$.
To make it to the promised land however, Borussia Monchengladbach need to beat Borussia Dortmund on Saturday…good luck chief!
14) RB Leipzig (Up 1)
“How do you like them apples?” (Good Will Hunting)
Last weekend, Bayern Munich could’ve won the league.
They needed three points.
They didn’t get them.
RB Leipzig – with literally nothing to play for – decided that they would do everything they possibly could to prevent Bayern from winning the Bundesliga for the 1000th consecutive season.
Now the Bundesliga title race will go down to the final day of the season.
13) Juventus (Down 5)
“I lost something on the way to wherever I am today.” (Last Days)
So they may have WON the league, but after their catastrophic month, it’s time to look at what Juventus LOST this season:
– A UEFA Champions League quarter final they should have won.
– A Coppa Italia quarter final they should have won.
– Gianluigi Buffon.
– Their soul (more on that here).
– The stripes on their kit…holy God the new kit is ugly.
Not great chief.
12) Benfica (-)
“I can be in the NBA. I’m tall, I like to wear shorts. Hook! Hook! Dunk! Dunk! Baby, I’m all about three points.” (Good Will Hunting)
Benfica’s Primeira Liga form:
Goals Scored: 99.
Goals Conceded: 30.
Goal Difference: 69.
Encarnados are ALL ABOUT THREE POINTS.
Nice work chief.
11) SS Lazio (New Entry)
“I’m pumped! Let the healing begin!” (Good Will Hunting)
SS Lazio have done it. They’ve achieved the impossible. In an era of unrivalled Juventus dominance, they’ve won a trophy in Italy (the Coppa Italia to be exact).
It’s a miracle!
Let the healing of Serie A begin chief!
10) Borussia Dortmund (Up 1)
“If you were gonna fight them, why didn’t you fight them back there? We got snacks now!” (Good Will Hunting)
So it turns out that Borussia Dortmund didn’t ‘absolutely f**k it’.
The disastrous draw with Werder Bremen was seemingly the death knell of BVB’s Bundesliga title hopes, but last weekend they were thrown a lifeline by Bayern Munich.
Now, two points separate the top two.
Now, the Bundesliga title race will go down to the wire.
Now, a win over ‘Gladbach and a Bayern defeat at the hands of Eintracht Frankfurt will send the BuLi title to Dortmund.
It’s all to play for chief.
9) Bayern Munich (Down 2)
“Winning isn’t my strong suit.” (Milk)
Could’ve, should’ve, would’ve (most other years)…but didn’t.
Bayern Munich needed three points away at Leipzig to win the Bundesliga, and as you now already now, they didn’t get them.
Buck up your ideas chief!
8) Barcelona (Up 1)
“You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you…I don’t see an intelligent, confident man…I see a cocky, scared sh**less kid. But you’re a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” (Good Will Hunting)
In the aftermath of their catastrophic Champions League exit at the hands of Liverpool, the Catalan exclaimed that it was “THE CLUB’S DARKEST HOUR”.
But now that the dust is settled, it’s explicitly clear that not all things are lost.
Barcelona did win La Liga.
Barcelona will probably win the Copa del Rey.
Barcelona have signed the most exciting young midfielder in Europe – Frenkie de Jong.
Barcelona look set to sign Antoine Griezmann.
You don’t know about real loss. Real loss is losing to Derby County and being resigned to yet another season in the Championship chief (pour one out for Leeds United).
7) Atalanta (Up 3)
“You know what? You can shove your medal up your f**king ass! Because I don’t give a sh*t about your medal.” (Good Will Hunting)
The Coppa Italia final defeat was truly heartbreaking for Atalanta fans, but all will be forgotten if they can clinch UEFA Champions League qualification in two weeks’ time.
All that stands in their way is Juventus and Sassoulo. Win out and Atalanta will qualify for Europe’s premier competition for the first time in their history.
You can do it chief!
6) Arsenal (Down 1)
“I don’t know what to say anymore. But where we are now, where we’re headed! We might be betting more than we think. Everything that we have is on the table now. And that’s just not ours to lose.” (Promised Land)
It’s explicitly clear that Arsenal’s whole season, and the season after that, and possibly even the season after that, hinges upon one thing: the Europa League final.
Win, and the Gunners will be qualify for the UEFA Champions League and have a boatload of money to spend in the summer transfer window.
Lose, and Arsenal will be resigned to the Europa League for another season and will have £40m to spend in the summer transfer window…which isn’t a lot chief.
5) Chelsea (Down 1)
“You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.” (Good Will Hunting)
The haters will hate, but one can’t deny the fact that Maurizio Sarri has actually done quite well in his first season at Chelsea.
– Third place finish.
– Champions League qualification.
– Europa League final.
It’s gone quite well if you ask me chief.
4) Ajax (Up 2)
“You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” (Good Will Hunting)
The last second UEFA Champions League semi final exit at the hands of Tottenham Hotspur at the Johan Cruyff ArenA when they had held a healthy lead in the tie was a mouthful, and truly heart-wrenching.
But when Ajax fans look back on the 2018/19 season, they will do so fondly. They’ll think back to the win over Real Madrid, the win over Juventus, the KNVB Cup final, and their reclaiming of the Eredivisie title.
It’s been a great year; enjoy it chief.
3) Liverpool (Down 1)
“You know, it’s kinda like… Success is subjective, you know. It could be an opinion.” (Last Days)
Was this season a success?
If Liverpool win the UEFA Champions League, it most certainly was.
But if they don’t, how long can Liverpool fans really enjoy the fact that they accumulated the third highest points tally in Premier League history? Who knows chief!
2) Tottenham Hotspur (Down 1)
“Without hope, life’s not worth living.” (Milk)
Tottenham Hotspur fans, I know it’s nice to have made it to the UEFA Champions League (congratulations on that), but do you know what would be even nicer?
WINNING THE UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE.
Tottenham fans, it’s time to get out the Glenn Hoddle replica jerseys, the Audere Est Facere banners, the navy flares (no, not the clothing item, please God not the clothing item) and it’s time to believe.
It may not mean more™, but it still means a lot chief.
1) Manchester City (Up 2)
“Tonight the laws of God, and the cultural values of man have been vindicated. The people of Dade County, the Normal majority, have said ‘Enough, enough, enough.” (Milk)
Manchester City’s Premier League form since February:
Goals Scored: 32.
Goals Conceded: 4
Goal Difference: 28.
It’s hard to compete with perfection, and that’s exactly what Manchester City were when it mattered most.
They. Were. Perfect. Chief.