Game of Thrones is no more, the last episode of the thrilling fantasy series airing this week as fans are left to ponder where they will get their next fix of dragons and deceit.
There is no need to worry if you haven’t watched the finale; neither have I, so I can’t accidentally spoil it. I can, however, ruin what happened in the other five episodes of season eight and everything prior, so proceed at your own peril.
This year’s offering of Westeros wonder has certainly been explosive, a real feast for the eyes. Unfortunately, the actual writing hasn’t been up to the same standard as the visuals, drawing more criticism than Manchester United did under Jose Mourinho’s rule.
Let’s try to forget how far downhill the show (and United) has gone in recent times and take a look at who each Game of Thrones character would be if they were a football team.
Jon Snow: Tottenham Hotspur
Spurs were dead. Having been battered and gravely wounded by Ajax in the first three quarters of their Champions League semi final tie, Mauricio Pochettino’s side were resurrected in the final 45-minute period in Amsterdam in a manner befitting Jon Snow.
In coming back from the dead, Tottenham kept their underdog tale alive as they continue to fight against the odds in a bid to become the unconventional hero of this season. What’s more, they have enjoyed a glorious return home after an extended period away, much like how Jon was named King in the North almost as soon as he walked back through the Winterfell gates.
Arya Stark: Ajax
Fierce, plucky, determined; adjectives that are equally applicable to Arya Stark and Erik ten Hag’s riveting Ajax outfit that fell agonisingly short against Tottenham. Certainly a fans’ favourite, these two have been an absolute delight to watch.
Both also managed to slay menacing foes, the young Stark ending the Night King’s surge southward and de Godenzonen ruthlessly slaughtering giants Real Madrid in front of their horrified home crowd.
Jaime Lannister: Manchester United
They used to be feared throughout the land, writing history and seamlessly dismissing opponents. Moreover, both have enjoyed their youth, with Ser Jaime having been made the youngest ever member of the Kingsguard and the Red Devils managing to win everything with kids as they proved Alan Hansen so very wrong.
Regrettably, those halcyon days are long gone for the duo, their famed beauty and majesty fading as the years have rolled by. Now they are something of a joke and definitely not much of a threat after losing their sword hand/iconic manager. How did we used to love loathing this sorry mess?
Daenerys Targaryen: Manchester City
Fire and blood…and sweat and tears. City and the Mother of Dragons have had to toil for much of their existence, their royal roots unable to give them the life of luxury that they felt they so richly deserved.
That has changed now. Almost out of nowhere, they have started destroying everything in their path. Watford in the FA Cup final? Incinerated. The innocent people of King’s Landing? Pulverised.
Despite being ludicrously overpowered, Daenerys and the Citizens are likely to be up against the rest of the world soon. She is ever so slightly crazy with her people-burning and they have a rather insane transfer policy, with inquiries set to take place regarding the pair’s recent actions.
Cersei Lannister: Juventus
It’s win at all costs for Juve and Cersei, yet neither has what they desire most of all. The Old Lady haven’t claimed a European Cup since 1996 and are still mocked by rivals for their failings on the European stage, while the mad Queen has lost all of her children and family, leaving her paranoid and isolated.
Though they are without what they hold most dear, both club and player (of the Game of Thrones) do have an unstoppable beast on their side. The formidable figure of the Mountain is always guarding Cersei, whilst Massimiliano Allegri has the phenomenal Cristiano Ronaldo spearheading his attack.
They’re also adept at underhand tactics and dodgy dealings, Juventus infamously exposed by the 2006 Italian match-fixing scandal and Cersei murdering nearly all of her competitors.
Tyrion Lannister: Arsenal
They used to be so much better than this. In fact, it’s actually painful to remember how magnificent Tyrion and Arsenal once were. The worst part is that the duo’s respective falls from grace are neither’s fault. The writers have dumbed the former down, while the Gunners have been marginalised by the financial might of others.
In the Arsene Wenger heyday – when Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp dazzled up front – they were a sight to behold. Similarly, Tyrion’s dialogue used to be witty, coherent and insightful in the early seasons. Both have lost the almost the entirety of the respect they earned in the past.
Bran Stark: Paris Saint-Germain
“I can’t wait to see what Bran is gonna do with his greensight and warging! I bet it’s gonna be insane!” Spoilers: he did nothing apart from roll his eyes back, which is quite appropriate, really.
Like the Three Eyed Raven, PSG have abilities far beyond the imagination of most. While most clubs are on the lookout for astute purchases in an attempt to unearth a gem, the Parisians simply throw money at another team until they yield and sell their top performer.
Sadly for Thomas Tuchel, having unrivalled powers does not guarantee you are going to do much with it. Bran is constantly chilling in his wheelchair doing nothing and his expensively-assembled squad have done very little outside of domestic competition.