It’s rather warm outside.
In fact, it’s pretty searingly hot outside and we’re all going to melt and should stay indoors and drink 200 litres of water per day or else we’ll perish (every single English newspaper).
Either way, to match the current heatwave, we thought it best to swap sun for pun and bring you a starting XI that matches our current climate.
Apologies in advance. Sincere, sincere apologies.
Burnt Leno – Goalkeeper
There are a few things we share with the Germans; a love of beer, food that is pretty uninspiring and we both ain’t that good in the heat.
Leno may well be, but that’s besides the point, goalkeeper was difficult, so this one will do.
Mario Melt-I-Hot – Defender
HOW ABOUT THAT???
Praise the Dutch for having last names that open the door for not one, but two hot weather puns.
Furthermore, I reckon ‘melting’ and ‘hot’ are probably the two words being overused most across every single office in the United Kingdom.
Dan (Sun)Burn – Defender
Centre backs are really hard to think of, OK?
To be fair to the player, he’s so ridiculously tall his name is probably quite fitting, as he’ll get the sun probably a solid minute before anyone else does.
Sun Jihai – Defender
Well-known in his native China as one of their most successful overseas footballers, the ironic thing is he played for Manchester City for six years so he never saw the sun anyway.
Ben Chill-Well – Defender
Pretty self-explanatory, no?
Its what we love doing when the temperature reaches anything over 21 degrees, pop your shorts on and bask in some sweet rays. Ben knows how to do it.
Danny Drinkwater – Midfielder
The jokes have already circulated after he was done for drink-driving, but his name, or his career for the last two years, never had anymore meaning than at this moment right now.
Cheers for the heads up Danny, you PSA on legs.
Muggy Izzet – Midfielder
It says a lot about the English weather when there are so many words to describe being too hot.
We just don’t cope, and neither would have Muzzy Izzet. Well, I don’t know that, he was half Turkish, but he played for Birmingham for a while, it’s an educated guess.
WilFRIED Zaha – Winger
The power of the English language, simply capitalise a section of someone’s name and the pronunciation changes very drastically.
Unlike Zaha’s future, which feels like it has been dragging on longer than Brexit on a treadmill.
Son Hu-mid – Winger
Dodged the chance to use ‘sun’ twice because, I mean, come one, we’re taking this seriously and there’s no hope in hell that we’d resort to such pitiful standards.
But Son hu-mid though, worth a chuckle.
Sadiodorant Mane – Striker
As in deodorant…that you need to stop yourself from smelling too much during those painful summer Central line commutes…do you get it?
Sure you do!
Sadio Mane is one of the best forwards in the world and deserves a place in any XI ever made, hence the shoehorning of ‘Sadiodorant Mane’ into this team.
Clammy Abraham – Striker
Definition: “Unpleasantly damp and sticky or slimy to touch.”
Reality: Excellent pun that deserves a round of applause Wilfred, and tops off a list that hopefully had you cringing so much you felt a sudden urge to rush outside and singe your eyebrows off.
Sole Sunnar Sol-Skjaer – Manager & Barry Fry – Assistant
Coincidentally, ‘sol’ is actually the Norwegian word for sun, while the other elements are there purely an added dollop of hilarity. In for a penny, in for a pound n’all.
Barry Fry, meanwhile, would probably place a cheeky bet on the pair being the greatest managerial duo since Roy Hodgson and Sammy Lee at Liverpool.
Angus Gunns Out, Lucy Bronzer, Paul I(n)ce Cream, James Heattie, Paulo Warmchope, Louis SahAAAAHH IT’S HOT, Parasol Campbell, David Sunsworth, Gökhan Sprinkler, Calippo Inzaghi, Cesc Fabregas Solero, Niall (S)Quinn(t), Robin Ice Cream Van Persie, Matthijs de Licked an Ice Cream.